Listen. I could recap this episode of GIRLS in my usually very thoughtful and brilliant and sexy way, but everybody is watching the Oscars tonight and are totes planning to stream it tomorrow after work. I know you didn’t watch it. I know you were just mesmerized by all of Seth MacFarlene’s boobie jokes and women are stupid and boobs har har. I know you were mesmerized by a large celebrity circle jerk, all surrounding Anne Hathaway’s prominent nipples. Note: For somebody who loves herself so much, I’m shocked she didn’t look in the mirror when putting on a dress.
And frankly, here’s the truth: the only good thing about the Oscars or “Spike TV Presents A Turd” was that you missed GIRLS to watch it. This was the worst episode in the history of the show. I’ve thrown up whiskey shots that have a better plot than this episode of GIRLS. I’ve watched episodes of GIRLS that were better than this sewage dump of a GIRLS episode. I would rather watch six seasons of Two and A Half Men than watch this again. I would rather watch Adam Driver’s balls do a square dance. Please don’t watch it.
The basic premise of this episode is this — Jessa visits her idiot of a father and her stepmother in some tree-filled town in Westchester. She takes Hannah because her sparkling personality is so sparkly, like crushed up rats I have put club soda in. Jessa’s father looks like Gary Oldman and isn’t like him at all because he shows up late all the time and is an asshole. He doesn’t spend any time with them and leaves them at a supermarket and then Jessa in turn leaves Hannah stranded to find her own way back because she’s just like her idiot dad. Parents are a thing. Parents. Dad. Daddy issues. Everybody has daddy issues. Wah wah write me a check daddy I hate you. That’s really the episode. No other characters are in it. Why don’t they do a Shoshanna episode, again? Oh, because she sucks too and amaze isn’t a word and you only like her because she’s never really on the show.
Anyway, if you saw the episode, you’ll know what I meant. If not, don’t watch it. Here, instead of a true recap, I give you ten reasons why you shouldn’t watch “Video Games.”