We’re into the second episode already? But the dust is barely settling on all the awful E! television news commentators making fun of Lena Dunham’s Golden Globes dress! Thanks, Khloe Kardashian, I’ve always wanted a giant billionaire — built on the dollars of sisterly sex-tapes and sports players and self-tanner — to tell me the kind of outfit a writer should wear.
Anyway, “I Get Ideas” opens with Elijah confessing his heterosexal infidelities to his boyfriend, George, with the Lionel Richie hair and the general look of somebody who would be happier in Miami circa 1986. Elijah originally lies, saying that the girl he “two pumped” into is named Charlotte, which is NO DOUBT a well-anticipated Sex and The City reference, and it’s dumb because Carrie is the biggest cheater ever. But then he immediately drops the lie and calls her Marnie, because even George knows that Marnie is the only Charlotte left in New York City, there to scoop up penis-challenged Scotsmen and mail-delivery Asian babies (lest she lose her figure). Whatever. Two pumps is good, right? George dumps him.
Hannah happily dances in her bedroom wearing workout leggings that any camel-toe would love to be invited to. She must not know of the pumping, because Hannah is not capable of dealing with problems that do not involve her. You can’t spell problems without ME, anyway.
Now we are graced with Adam, emailing Hannah creepy songs he wrote on his acoustic guitar. She destroyed his heart, a heart that beats beneath a bony hairless chest. Hannah watches the video online (a well-earned big break for Google!) with Elijah in horror, wearing a jacket made out of a sleeping bag to prove to critics she can totally wear clothing. They debate whether or not Adam would murder her and some nonsense about how if he doesn’t, he didn’t love her enough or something. I love Hannah enough to murder her. I think Adam is more likely to die of whatever skin-disease you acquire from never showering than become a murderer. I don’t know why murder is such a trope with 20-something comedies. Nobody cares about your blog enough to kill you, people. It is also introduced that Hannah’s new bf Donald Glover (SANDY, okay?) is a Republican, because I think this show has never met a person.
Marnie is back and still unemployed, but she is at a job interview almost immediately because life on GIRLS is just Instagram dreams and Brooklyn warehouse party fantasies. But wait! THIS lady has clearly seen The Devil Wears Prada too many times, because she demands tea in a very specific manner and is stern. Seems like right up Marnie’s Demon Alley, to be honest. But double wait! Meryl Streep Jr. asks Marnie where she got her suit! Marnie says Ann Taylor! I KNEW IT! Ann Taylor stock crashes straight to hell, where ghouls and succubi start donning themselves in smart dusty blue pencil skirts. But triple wait! I end up feeling kind of bad for Marnie, because instead of just “not hiring her”, Meryl Jr. tells her she probably doesn’t fit into the art world. LADY, it’s hard enough to get a job in this economy, you probably should shut your head when it comes to people’s dreams. Stomp on your sixteen-year-old daughter’s dreams instead, like the rest of America. Go home and put Thai food on the table and tell her she’s fat. Leave Marnie alone! It works out though, because Boss Lady is drinking kale juice, and everybody knows that makes you poop.
Up next, Donald Glover and Hannah are in the bathroom. Donald is getting verbally harassed by Elijah for his Republican-ness and verbally admonished by Hannah for not reading her latest “PIECE”, and I hate couples who brush their teeth together in the bathroom like I DO. Everything is gross when it’s not me, which is definitely something I’ve learned from GIRLS.
Shoshanna and Ray pillow talk predictably about Shoshanna’s camp. Ray smiles for the first time ever, and it is not something I’d like to really see again. Marnie comes in and is like “I hate happy people, can’t we just talk about me?” and honestly, I am totally on the same page as her. Shosh informs us all that if we’re unemployed, we should all just become hostesses because apparently there is a lot of money to be made in the “telling people where to sit” industry. But only if you’re pretty, but not model-pretty, which is nothing like my last Applebee’s hostess.
In Jessa world, Jessa is still not dead, painting a horrible picture of Chris O’Dowd while he wears a fedora. He, like most people who wear fedoras, should really go away. Why does he even have a fedora? Is he coming back from making an OKCupid profile? Is he going to a Gangster Squad premiere? Hannah comes to visit them in their bright apartment, and Chris O’Dowd takes that as his cue to leave immediately, because who wants to hear her talk? At least he gets to show off his new hubby tattoo before he bolts; a tiger, or an ancient symbol for “later, I am going to regret this.” He also gives Jessa three puppies(barf), which she names later in the park with Hannah — Garbage, Fucker, and Hannukah — a succinct way to describe my feelings for this show. Good job, Jessa!
Hannah, so inspired by holding puppies, confronts her boyfriend about why he didn’t read her stupid think-piece, but I can sum it up for him if he hasn’t: Garbage. Fucker. Hannukah. But he HAS read it, and he thought it sucked, and everybody knows writers can only handle hearing “this piece saved my life” or “it needs more DETAIL.” They break up in true “College Student Seinfeld Spec Script” fashion. Good for you, Donald Glover! Go to greener, less whiny, more Joel McHale filled pastures. On a side-note, I bet Hannah is the kind of fiction writer who writes from a dead girl’s point of view ALL the time.
She goes home in her newly-single huff, catching Elijah and Marnie in the kitchen, who are just arguing about how they do/don’t need to tell Hannah about the Three-Pump Fuck. A) Who cares about this? We know she’s just going to find out and whine about it and then get over it and dance and B) I personally would take great pleasure in telling her, because now she’s not the only one who can write a Thought Catalog article about sleeping with a gay man and C) Wonder if Marnie has HPV now and D) I’d REALLY love Marnie to tell Hannah because she is being SO judgemental about Marnie’s new hostessing job, but then immediately gets defensive that her bud is implying she couldn’t get a “pretty person job.” No, she’s implying you couldn’t get a “shut up and wear sleeves for ten minutes” job. Hannah is like Larry The Cable Guy!
Finally, the episode ends with Adam texting her (why do all “poor” characters have Iphones Re: Fiona on Shameless) and then appearing in her apartment because he has a key. I hope I am wrong and he kills her and this show is just a two season long Law & Order episode buildup. He asks her for milk and she goes to the fridge and dials 911, since she is dramatic and also maybe smart. Adam is not a murderer, but I bet he has bedbugs that are about to get everywhere, so he needs to go. She changes her mind and hangs up. Uh, has she ever been to kindergarten? You know the po-po are gonna show, and yes they do because they are doing their JOB. Hannah has just told Adam how he needs to leave her alone forever and find somebody else to not-shower-with, and then the cops come and she’s like “Hey, it’s so weird that you guys come to every hang-up call, I never have ANY consequence to my actions.” Hasn’t she seen 20/20? Hangup emergency calls are how most girls get out of trunks!
But Adam gets arrested despite the protestations of the braless, because he has a previous unpaid summons for public urination, because DUH. I am telling you, never let him into your pool or hot tub or bedroom because he will pee in it.
So there you go: the show ends while the cops cart Adam away and this episode was fine and mostly plot-less (is the Elijah-Marnie sex thing a PLOT?), just like LIFE, I guess. Hannah peers over the balcony and yells “I am so sorry!” because though this show isn’t always accurate, our generation is filled with people who poke at things until they wake and then apologize profusely about how they woke up. And this generation is FILLED with people who pee in public.
And this show, like our generation, can really be watchable and infuriating.