2. The news that Kris Jenner maybe staged her daughter’s sex tape

Supposedly that guy Kim was married to for like an hour claims that Kris Jenner (Kim’s mother) orchestrated the creation and leakage of Kim’s 2007 sex tape (I think the tape was called “For the Love of Ray J”). This is hearsay of hearsay of hearsay, but if it’s true it’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard; Kris (allegedly) orchestrated the pornification of her own daughter in exchange for fame. Could a mother seriously think it a legitimate idea to create and spread a video of her daughter having sex purely to garner ballyhoo? “I Did it for the Ballyhoo,” Kris might title her future retrospective rap album documenting every shard of sociopathy she wielded in the battle for fame.

Kris asked (forced? advised?) Kim to give up her most private moments in exchange for the ability to give up all of her other private moments. The sex tape won the Kardashian’s the ability to assimilate their very existences into hours and hours of E!ntertainment. The saddest but also funniest part of this is that Kris rejected the first sex tape because Kim didn’t look pretty enough. First of all, I’d really like to see the conversation where Kris tells Kim about the reshoot. Then, I’d like to see the rough cut because to be totally honest, I’m weirdly aroused by mediocrity.

Happy rebuttal: Is it acceptable to feel bad for Kim Kardashian? Is that an appropriate use of my time? She seems pretty contented with her life, her empire built on banality. Why pity? I sometimes honestly wonder if she even has an ego, (and I mean the psychological use of the word, not as in “oh, she Tweets a lot, she has such a big ego”). Does Kim Kardashian even have an interior monologue? What difference does it make if her mother sold her soul? And hey, they got famous, and they seem to get a kick out if it.