Everyone’s talking about Justin Bieber’s “Beauty and a Beat” video since Aaron Carter called the Biebs out for plagiarizing his seminal “Aaron’s Party” video, but the lil Backstreet Bro should focus on the real thief — Rebecca Black — and let me have this one, because I’ve been waiting for this video ever since that strange day when my friends and I realized that there was a song on the new Justin Bieber album where Nicki Minaj basically threatened to date-rape him. With ether, no less — apparently Nicki’s been reading her Hunter S. Thompson.

“There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge,” writes Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but that’s not quite what we get in the faux-pirated “Beauty” video, which casts Bieber and his toned posse in a suburban Busby Berkeley fantasia, synchronized-splashing their way through a water park. Minaj appears at the end of a diving board, gesturing unmistakably at Bieber’s subdued member while he indulges her in the sort of leave-room-for-the-angels grinding that you do with your aunt at family wedding receptions. It’s as though Bieber is trying to take kiddie pools back from the fence-gawking sex offenders, showing how a water park at night can be consensually perv-positive without anyone getting pregnant.

Maybe that was what so riled Aaron Carter — he’s jealous of the preternaturally dextrous way Bieber’s negotiating the transition from jailbait to man-meat. What’s Bieber’s secret? Well, besides the kind of post-pubescent partner Bieber found in Selena Gomez and Carter never quite managed to land, Bieber also has God on his side: the God who seemingly missed Mitt Romney’s plea for support in the second presidential debate because He was too busy walking on water with the Jesus of Pop. Hey, who can blame Him? Romney has binders full of women, but Bieber has pools full of girls.

Words by Jay Gabler, a co-founder and co-editor of The Tangential.

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